16 yo female wants freedom from home rules, but still wants the benefits of home. Curfew, sleepovers?
Posted on February 7th, 2010 by admin
16 yo daughter who doesn’t have sex, drug or drink, makes good grades, works part time, wants me to not have curfew, to let her stay over with boyfriend, go on out of town, overnight trips. I say no. She can’t understand why. Curfew midnight, weekends, 9pm school nights. I give her a late model car to drive, a cell phone, room of her own, foods of choice,college future, other extras. She still isn’t happy. Am I not understanding something, or her, or both?
Basically she is behaving like a teenager, just like a 2 yr old has their idiosyncrasies, teenagers have theirs. They want the adult stuff but in reality, understand NONE of it.
Unfortunately, the hormones are way dominant at that age and all you can do is try to cope & hope you survive the roller coaster ride.
FYI – stick by those curfew and no overniters rules ! At least if she ignores them and get into ugly circumstance, she will not be able to blame you with the "well, you said I could do it". You are totally right and need to stand by the basic safety rules, just like you would not let a 2 yr old stick objects in an electrical outlet ‘because they want to’ nor did you need to make the 2 yr old understand electricity.
THEY ONLY NEED TO KNOW THE RULES, you can explain it once but do not waste your time defending it after that.
good luck, and all our prayers
February 8th, 2010 at 12:33 am
I would rethink the "not having sex, or drinking" thing. My sister in law is now 17 and had good grades and still did ALL of that. And she snuck out of the house for months before her parents finally found out.
Now at 17 she had an abortion her parents just found out about and steals alcohol from them and others.
DONT ever say your children don’t do things. Unless you are with them 24/7, they will be doing things you dont approve of. Its just how things go.
References :
February 8th, 2010 at 12:44 am
both of you are you need to sit down make some rules tell her what you want and ask what she wants and acomdiate…. good luck hun
References :
February 8th, 2010 at 1:01 am
Well she is a good kid but if you give her all that stuff she asked for she’d probably be tempted to do something you wouldn’t like. For instance what do you think there gunna do if you let her sleep over her boyfriends? that’s practically asking for it. Like I said she does sound like a good kid, why not nudge back the school curfew to 12 (she’ll be so tired she’ll probably just go to bed at a regular time anyway) & let her go out of town if she gives advanced notice. That way you have a compromise
References :
February 8th, 2010 at 1:13 am
perhaps you gave into her too easily when she was younger and now she still expects that same level of getting her way…
this is very common – parents give into young kids becuase the kids are young and whats the harm? Infact the harm is that young spoilt kids grow up to be problem teens…
I dont know if this was the case or not but you are the LAW.. either she is willing to live with it or she can move out…
you "think" she doesnt have sex.. but why else would she want sleep overs at boyfriends?? my guess is the parents of the boyfriend wouldnt agree to this either…
References :
February 8th, 2010 at 1:46 am
Well your doing all you should do. Because midnight curfew for a sixteen year old is pretty bizarre. Maybe it’s just that your daughter isn’t happy because you sound like your doing all you can do.
References :
February 8th, 2010 at 1:52 am
just stick with the laws. Let her know that each sate has laws and you have to abide by them. My bother is 17, and in my custody, and he knows the law and does not push it further than that. Then if you really trust her, then you can let her have sleep pvers with a boy, but tell her she has to have writen permission from the boys mom. That will probably make it so that won’t happen. good luck
References :
February 8th, 2010 at 1:59 am
for me being a teen i understand what both you and your daughter are feeling. your daughter just wants to be independent and make her own experiences in the world. i don’t think you should let her have no curfew at all then her grades might slip and she might have too freedom. extend her curfew a few more hours. i mean 9 pm school isn’t that much maybe until 10 or 11. having sleepovers and staying overnight with her boyfriend should be no big deal. as long as you know her friends it be should fine. it could also help if you knew her friend’s parents. and for her boyfriend, know what kind of guy he is before you let her spend the night over there.
References :
February 8th, 2010 at 2:28 am
You are going above and beyond to make life comfortable and pleasant for her. She now expects you to give her everything she wants. Does she pay for her gas? Her cell phone? At 18 she should start paying rent- not a large amount, but enought to make her grateful for her situation. She is living at home, and must live by the house rules.
References :
February 8th, 2010 at 2:49 am
Basically she is behaving like a teenager, just like a 2 yr old has their idiosyncrasies, teenagers have theirs. They want the adult stuff but in reality, understand NONE of it.
Unfortunately, the hormones are way dominant at that age and all you can do is try to cope & hope you survive the roller coaster ride.
FYI – stick by those curfew and no overniters rules ! At least if she ignores them and get into ugly circumstance, she will not be able to blame you with the "well, you said I could do it". You are totally right and need to stand by the basic safety rules, just like you would not let a 2 yr old stick objects in an electrical outlet ‘because they want to’ nor did you need to make the 2 yr old understand electricity.
THEY ONLY NEED TO KNOW THE RULES, you can explain it once but do not waste your time defending it after that.
good luck, and all our prayers
References :
former 16 yr old daughter
February 8th, 2010 at 3:24 am
sounds to me she want to be treated like a adult, you could do just that..make her pay for her rent. car ins, even the car , the cell phone all the etc that you pay for she than may be willing to listen and do as she is told, the flip side to this coin is then she will be able to come and goes as she wants to and only you know if you willing to accept that, as long as she is living in your home it is just that your home and she must abide by your rules maybe you could meet her half way up the curfew a hour and no stay overs with the boyfriend until maybe 17 1/2 and only if she is on the pill ,, unless your religion forbids such stuff than well it will have to wait until she is old enough to move out .. i hope i have helped
References :
February 8th, 2010 at 3:43 am
everything you have done is very good, except the car. the car should have remained yours and she could use it with your permission, unless she is helping pay for it. teenagers, like most kids, are never completely happy.do what you think is best, after all, you are the adult.
References :
February 8th, 2010 at 3:53 am
As far as the curfew goes, my parents used to say that they didn’t want us getting into trouble, so on nights that we didn’t have anything to do we were allowed to have friends over until our curfew, and if we had special things to do like a late movie premiere or a concert, etc. we were allowed an extension on our curfew. When we were at the house we’d be checked on every once in a while, but for the most part we didn’t feel like we were being babysat which made it bareable to be at home. As far as the overinght trip with friends goes, my dad always had a saying "It takes 2 things to do something desire and oppertunity. I can’t control the desire, so I control the opperunity." Explain to your daughter that she is very mature and responsible, and if she went on that trip, this time nothing would happen, and probably the time after that, but if you continued to go away, naturally our desires would get the best of us. If he let us go this time it’s not fair to say no every other time, so he just said no from the begining. Experessing your trust, and how responsible she is will probably help. You’re just trying to keep her natural desires at bay. Hope that helps!
References :
February 8th, 2010 at 4:12 am
its tough being 16 and all you want from your parents is for them to trust you to make decisions on your own, weather they be right or wrong. i would not say that letting her go out of town, or staying at her boyfriends house, have you thought about him being able to stay at your house that way you have the say so as to what happens and she get to have him spend the night? She seems like a good kid with a level head on her shoulders so sit down and have an adult conversation with her treating her like the equal she is trying to show you she can be. and compromise
References :
February 8th, 2010 at 4:31 am
let her have some freedom your suffocating the poor girl the more your saying no the more she WILL rebel and you can say that she doesnt do those thing as much as you want but i would put a £50 bet on that she has had sex and a drink before!!
my mum always gave me a hard time and i moved out of home at 16 just to have a bit of freedom and experience things that most teenagers had already done!
if you want to have a good relationship with your daughter then show her that you trust her, let her stay at her boyfriends but make sure she knows the boundaries!
let her go on overnight trips as long as she has her mobile with her and you can reach her at all times and you also know where she will be and who she is going with!!
trust me i wish i was still in touch with my mum, but unfortunately i havent spoken to her for about 5 years!!
i hope you find it inside you to show your daughter that you trust her and respect the fact that she is growing into an adult!!
References :
February 8th, 2010 at 4:37 am
I think that, considering that she seems like a good kid, you should let her sleep over at her boyfriend’s place, as long as he’s a good guy and that for each night that they spends together, one of those is at your house, and another one is without him. That will make 1 night at his place, one night alone at your’s, one night with him at your’s, then again one night alone at your house. Or something like that.
As far as sleeping out of town, I think it depends on the situation. If, for example, she’s invited to spend the week-end camping with friends or at a friend’s country house, my opinion as a parent myself is that it’s ok once in a while.
Oh, and, even if she’s not sexually active, make sure that she knows how to use a condom and tell her that if she ever needs some, to buy them and give you the receipt and you’ll pay her back. That’s what my mom did with me, and it definitely encouraged me to use them. Kids start to have sex early now, and even if you’re not OK with sex before marriage, chances are that if she wants to do it, she will, even if it has to be in the backseat of a car.
References :
I’m a mom, but only 23 so I remember pretty clearly what it is to be a teenager.
February 8th, 2010 at 5:25 am
You are providing her with alot of things most kids that age don’t get. And still she wants more? I know from experience that if the city you live in has a curfew, and your kiddo is out past that, you the parent are held responsible…court, parenting classes…I don’t go for the sleepovers with the boyfriend, sorry…that’s asking for trouble, and also disrespectful to you and your house…stick to your guns mom, life is full of rules that she will have to accept even if she doesn’t like them. Let her learn now.
References :
February 8th, 2010 at 6:01 am
tell her to like it or quit complaining she could start loosing some previledges. when she has finished school and on her on she can set the rules but as long as she lives there its by your rules. you seem very fair tome. good luck
References :
February 8th, 2010 at 6:34 am
I would suggest that you stick to your values. Because of her doing so well, I would do whatever I could to encourage her good behavior and grades. Remind her that you love her and that you do trust her. I would hope that when becomes an adult and mother she would let her 16 year old daughter roam wherever and whenever they wanted. When she is 18, she will be an adult. She can pay for all her own bills and you will not be responsible for her breaking curew (tickets).
I really think you are looking out for her best interests as well as yours. What does think and want?
Rules, Laws and Parenting come first over being your daughters friend. So I applaud you. She should be thanful for what she has and what she doesn’t.. ar, cell phone, room, choices.
In my personal opinion, she needs to apologize and pay respect where respect is do to you on being caring, responsible and respectable parent.
If I was your friend, I won’t have to ask where you think your daughter was at 3 a.m.. Friends, boyfriends, etc.
Keep your head up. !
References :
February 8th, 2010 at 7:10 am
Keep your guard up, if not she will be doing the things you listed first.
Over time she will respect what you done while she was still young.
Good Luck
References :